listen children to my words. with great misery comes great happiness.

at least, that’s what my invisible friend named robert said. that is, until i beat him with a toaster while his back was turned to fetch a rock i threw down an escalator. robert, you will be missed.

i was rummaging through my godparents medicine cabinet the other day, jamming all the pretty, colorful pills down my throat; when i invisioned one of my old friends mrs. frizzle from the hit tv show “magic school bus”. she was apparently on a trek into the treacherous reaches of crystal meth, showing the kids how not to start a huge explosion in a trailer park in bum fuck nowhere, when all of a sudden her magic bus of fun and cooperative learning gained a flat tire.

and so she needed my help to make it back to the school before three o’ clock, or else the school of magic would attain lawsuits, police reports, and…well let’s just say things would not look well for mrs. frizzle. unfortunately though, before i could help, the very last bottle full of *boom* tough actin tinactin that i huffed kicked in for the worst.

what ever happened to mrs. frizzle and her wonder kids you ask? the same rule applies here as it does to tootsie roll pops, the world may never know. as for me, i spent the rest of the day drinking peppermint schnapps straight from the bottle and running through my parents opium poppy patch bare ass naked. yes, you are now allowed to shove a pencil through your ear at the thought of me naked.

the moral of this story, go to school…but not the kind of school where children are allowed to visit the inside of a human nose on a field trip.

that’s just gross.

p.s. - r.i.p. robert 1992-2001 - you gave me the toaster for my birthday…that was your bad.