if you are coming from myspace and have never heard of my requiem. a lil backstory is needed. click HERE to start from the beginning. that way you will be caught up on characters, plot outlines, shenanigans, soup recipes, and action scenes.

or of course, if you want to continue anyways, robert jr. is my invisible friend’s son who died in a freakish escalator fire-flight accident. i then continued to raise the boy on my own and a many of hair-raising adventures were born out of sheer boredom, luck, determination, and narcotics. in season four we will learn that robert jr. is actually the illegitimate son of me and angelina jolie. but we have a few seasons to go before you guys learn that hilariously awkward plot twist. awesome.

i also want to take this time to address the people who will potentially complain about the lack of color on my website (you know who you are, helen keller). i have a solution for you…PRINT OUT THE FOLLOWING:

follow the directions and then place upon your head. ta da. i also get about 8 bucks every time one of you put them on your face, due to the wonderful corporate sponsorship.

me and robert junior robert junior and i enjoy sitting around the house on saturday mornings, catching up on pokemon, watching chain reaxion tv, and knitting. unfortunately, us being at home also gives us a probable reason to answer the door when the local johovah witness comes to spread his faith of love.

we’re way too kind spirited to tell the young man to go away, we are not interested in his particular doctrine at this time, to come back later when his rates are cheaper. regardless, he comes in, sits down, and i spend the next hour contemplating how long i could gnaw on his arm before he starts screaming…i think we have room under the house for one more body. so he usually chats us up for about an hour and always leaves a small “newsletter” with us to read if we cannot hold our enthusiasm until his next visit. as a result, we have built up quite the collection of the fliers around the house over the last few months.

now while i do find it funny that they are considered “newsletters” when they are based off of a book that was written 2000 years ago (how much news could there be?), i find the idea of their usefulness even funnier. and so robert junior and i decided to create something constructive from the overabundance of good faith that was stacked across our living room.

after growing bored with the plan after building the seventh couch, we finally used the last newsletter to fix the hole in the manifold of robert junior’s volkswagen. and since the project only killed about 10 minutes, we were left there with nothing more than an overabundance of paper sofas and a broken spirit.

flabbergasted, robert kicked over his box of honeycomb and stormed into his room, slamming the door on his fingers. without a word, he sewed back on his pinky, popped his thumb back into place, and continued along his path.

several minutes pass, and i’m still trying to lick the honeycomb crumbs out of the carpet, but robert junior strolls out, all dressed and smelling faintly of tag ® body spray. of course i’m not the only one who catches a scent of the sharp-dressed man, and is instantly tackled by hordes of women, just like the commercials.

ok, i made that last part up.

nonetheless, robert insists on embarking on a saturday morning road trip. i concur.

i do a dukes of hazzard slide into his volkswagen, obtaining a slight concussion in doing so. “damnit,” i say under my peppermint schnapps riddled breathe. drinking starts early on saturdays.

after robert stops my profuse bleeding, we lose the manifold patch, and we push the car fifteen miles flintstone style; we arrive in the desert district of americus. both of us in a sweat, we share the last bit of gasoline to tide us over until we get to the chevron. left for dead, we gaze into the distance where we can see the cretins cloning and feeding in the supermarket parking lot.

casually, we make our way over to gather information and visual determining skills, and directions. all set to continue on to disney world, robert and i steal the nearest shopping cart, except robert was gone.

in a panic i look back just in time to see the same cretins throw the hogtied robert into the back of their s.u.v.

robert junior was kidnapped…